Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Lefty Meets Lucy

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History was made this week (accompanied, at least in our imagination, by the kettle drum pounding theme from "2001: A Space Odyssey") when mankind's oldest ancestor met the most evolved human being on the planet.

Specifically, officials in Ethiopia brought the fossilized bones of Lucy (Australopithecus afarensis) to their national palace for Barack Obama (Halfricanus offensivus) to poke and prod with his booger-hunting finger, which should lead to some pretty confusing DNA analysis in the future.

According to scientists, Lucy, who is 3.2 million years old (but doesn't look a day over 3.1 million), stood only about 3 feet tall, was covered with hair, had a very small brain, and could stand erect to spot predators - making it very likely that she could have negotiated a better deal with Iran.

The president asked "how many jumps" it took to go from Lucy to modern man, perhaps believing that kangaroos figured into the mix somewhere. A scientist confirmed there were "multiple generations" leading to Homo Sapiens. "And just think," the president no doubt thought sadly, "they couldn't even order wedding cakes until I got here."

Obama later said of his meeting with Lucy that "we are reminded that all the people of the world are all part of the same human family." Which should come as good news to both Planned Parenthood and democrats, since that pretty much makes every pregnancy the result of incest.

Clearly moved by meeting his oldest ancestor and feeling inspired by the likelihood that she cared deeply about climate change, income inequality, and American imperialism, Obama announced his plans to write a new book in her honor.

It will be called "Dreams From My Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Grandmother."

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Monday, July 27, 2015

Splashback

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No, no - you're not "missing the joke." This is just a factual illustration for the story below!

From time to time, Hope n' Change has endeavored to bring you "Good News Fridays" and failed miserably. Seriously, it's hard enough to find any good news without also needing the cosmic roulette wheel to have it happen on a Friday. Which is why we're presenting a genuine good news story today!

Specifically, San Francisco has been trying to cope with a serious problem. We're not referring to their sanctuary city status, their uber-liberal politics, or even all the environmental damage done by Nancy Pelosi when she takes San Francisco soil back to Washington to put in the coffin where she sleeps during the day.

No, the problem we're talking about is whizzing on walls, which apparently creates a massive citywide stench, various health hazards, and slippery puddles. And the solution is brilliant: the city's public works department is testing pee-resistant paint on the most peed-upon walls, causing the streams to splash back on the perpetrators - thereby protecting property, teaching a valuable civic lesson, and assuring that Youtube will never run out of hilarious videos!

But as much as we love this idea, we don't think the whole "splashback" concept is being taken far enough yet...

Why not be more liberal (no pun intended) with its use in San Francisco, so that the officials who release criminals and killers might enjoy a little splashback from the actions of those they set free?

How about painting a few Planned Parenthood clinics, so that the (ahem) "physicians" within get some splashback when their own organs become negotiable commodities?

For that matter, Hope n' Change would like to see this miracle paint used to cover every structure in Washington so that those who make our laws would get splashback and have to live under those very same laws.  If you think someone peeing on their own shoes is funny, imagine the hilarious shrieking when Senators and Representatives have to cope with Obamacare! Or when they discover that the money to pay for their many benefits will run dry next year, like the Social Security Disability benefits program!

Of course, at the White House (which could even pick a new color at painting time!) the splashback would be absolutely spectacular - with illegal (and possibly criminal) aliens free to come and go, Michelle picking reluctantly at her own appalling school lunches, and Barry repeatedly getting the hot spray of his own racism splashing back on his wingtip shoes and impressively creased pants.

Best of all, none of this has to cost taxpayers a nickel! Hope n' Change suggests a Kickstarter-style campaign in which the splashback paint is voluntarily paid for by Americans who are pissed off after being pissed on.

We're guessing we can have the whole thing paid for by noon today.

Friday, July 24, 2015

Bad Optics

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Because it's the most offensive thing they can possibly do, House democrats are now calling for a federal investigation of the group which secretly recorded Planned Parenthood officials casually discussing baby butchery and potentially illegal organ sales during business lunches.

Democrat Representative Jan Schakowsky of Illinois, seen above, is concerned that the videomakers may have broken laws, although it's not clear if she believes the laws were broken in "crunchy" or "less crunchy" ways.

The group behind the videos, the Center for Medical Progress, is also being accused by the democrats of using deceptive language when filing for tax-exempt status. Although according to the Hope n' Change legal department, the wording on the application was accurate in a vague sort of way - which is a lot more than we can say about Obamacare.

For now, we're hoping that the damning videos keep coming and we don't plan to offer a tissue to Planned Parenthood with which to dry their crocodile tears. Especially since they wouldn't even recognize a "tissue" which didn't have a small beating heart.

BONUS: BACK TO THE FATHERLAND

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On Friday, Barack Obama will be visiting Kenya in order to launch a million jokes about his alleged birth certificate. But Hope n' Change isn't going there (either the easy joke or Kenya) because the real reason the president traveled to the home nation of his abandoning, philandering, bigamist, alcoholic father was to attend a summit on entrepreneurship.

Which is odd, since last time we noticed, Barry Jr. was dead set against any endeavor which might rely on personal initiative or result in a profit.

Still, we're sure that his insights on business will be very, very helpful to the Kenyan people...

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