Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Conventional Wisdumb

obama, obama jokes, political, humor, cartoon, conservative, hope n' change, hope and change, stilton jarlsberg, DNC, convention, 2016, Michelle, slavery, racism
The Democratic convention is in full swing which, through Herculean effort, we will not use as a set up for a joke involving nooses. Oh sure, it would be funny - but (to quote Richard Nixon) "it would be wrong, that's for sure."

Especially since one of the opening evening's speakers was Michelle Obama, the wife of our nation's first half-white black president, there to give a ringing endorsement to Hillary Clinton - the wife of our nation's first all-white black president.

Choosing, as ever, to take the high road, Michelle whined for the umpteenth time that she wakes up each day in a house built by slaves - which she apparently finds more upsetting than having her pricey wardrobe, dozens of personal "assistants," and luxury 5-star vacations paid for by slaves.

Still, the first lady's presence and well-toned bare arms helped take the spotlight off the previously scheduled woman who suddenly found herself in the doghouse...

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Hilariously, Debbie Wasserman-Schultz was booed out of her own event, taken off the speaking schedule, and forced to resign as head of the DNC after leaked emails proved that the DNC was in collusion with Hillary's campaign to burn the Bern and rig the Democratic primaries.

As a bonus, the leaked emails also made coarse remarks about "homos," referred to Latinos collectively as the "taco bowl," mocked the names of black people, documented myriad dirty tricks, and showed an unbelievable level of incestuous contact with the news media.

As a result of this still-breaking scandal, the DNC has announced that they're launching an internal investigation to determine how the emails got leaked (as opposed to apologizing for tasteless, immoral, and possibly criminal behavior), and the thoroughly disgraced and disgraceful Wasserman-Schultz has suddenly been made the honorary chair of Hillary's presidential campaign. As the old saying goes, "no bad deed will go unrewarded."

Meanwhile, the convention presses on, with hopes that the tension between the supporters of Sanders and Clinton can be quelled by the soothing presence of "The Great Unifier," Joe Biden...

obama, obama jokes, political, humor, cartoon, conservative, hope n' change, hope and change, stilton jarlsberg, biden, hands up don't shoot

But of course, not all of the political news is about Democrats. So let us turn our eyes and ears elsewhere...

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Yikes! How did that happen?! Sabotage by Vladimir Putin?! We'll certainly launch an immediate internal investigation into the horrible joke above, although we're guessing it will prove to be extreme carelessness rather than intentional wrongdoing.

Actually, we were trying to go to our Hope n' Change field reporter, Fred Ciampi,  for his exclusive on-the-spot coverage of Donald Trump's latest town hall meeting in Roanoke, Virginia. Take it away, Fred...

Well, I went to Trump's town hall in Roanoke yesterday. After driving 65 miles we got to stand in the 92 degree sun for about 3 hours. Then the doors opened and we were inside in less than an hour. Thankfully, the Roanoke police and sheriff's department did a masterful job of keeping all 20 protesters about two blocks away. The newsniks and their TV cameras took shots from about 87 different  angles of the protesters to make it look as if there were 17 million of them. They also interviewed the protesters in depth.

After we got in we sat down in nice padded chairs that were made for skinny people and waited for two more hours. Someone sang the National Anthem, then we all said the Pledge of Allegiance. Nowhere could I see anyone standing around with their arms crossed or looking at their cell phone during these activities.

A preacher gave a good spiel, some big bald guy said something, then Pence, and then Donald Trump. All the talking lasted for about an hour. Then The Donald took about five questions and left. Oh, I think I know why Pence was picked for the Veep spot; of all the choices, he has the best looking 'executive' hair.

With my 92% hearing loss I couldn't understand a word anyone said but just being there was worth the trip. So, all in all, I got to witness a part of history yesterday. Then I went home and had a beer. 


Thank you, Fred. You earned that beer - and just maybe a Pulitzer for Hope n' Change!

Monday, July 25, 2016

Now It's Getting In Tents

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Abandon hope all ye who enter here.
Hurry, hurry - step right up! The big DNC Freak Show is about to begin! For four days and four days only, you'll see human oddities, nature's mistakes, and performers who mystify, terrify, and refuse to testify! They're all alive and all inside! (Don't push, kid, there's room for everyone!)

For the price of one small vote (additional donations happily accepted, foreign currency welcome), you'll see the entire cavalcade of curiosities waiting for you just inside the heavily-guarded doors of the Wells Fargo Center in Philadelphia!

SEE: The Human Pincushion, Bernie Sanders, 
as he is jabbed and needled repeatedly by supposedly impartial members of the DNC!

SEE: The Bearded Lady, Michelle Obama, 
who has been her husband's beard for decades!

SEE: The Tattooed Woman, Lena Dunham, 
who will delight you with her tales of false rape accusations 
and true descriptions of sexually violating her baby sister!

SEE: The Human Skeleton, Bill "End-stage Syphilis" Clinton!

SEE: The Amazing Sword Swallower
(We don't know her name because she 
just ducked into a back room with Bill Clinton.)

SEE: The Brainless Woman who votes with her vagina!

But wait! That's only the beginning of the amazing marvels waiting to transport you into a four year progressive wonderland of terrors and delights!

SEE: Snail Boy, Barack Obama, 
as he presides over the slowest economic recovery in history 
and struggles to get out the words "radical Islamic terror!"

SEE: The mother of Gentle Giant Michael Brown
who shares the story of the gargantuan attempted cop-killer 
who transformed into a liberal martyr right before our eyes!

SEE: The Pickled Punks 
Is there really one born every minute? Not anymore, thanks to your tax dollars!
Planned Parenthood's Cecile Richards presents the Kermit Gosnell collection of
babies in brine, feet in formaldehyde, and juveniles in jars!

SEE: Magistrate The Magician
A conjurist in black robes who will take Antonin Scalia's seat 
and make Constitutional amendments vanish!

SEE: The Unwilling Fire Eater, Ambassador Chris Stevens! 
(Please, no video recording!)

SEE: The star of the show, Serpentina the Snake Woman, Hillary Clinton, 
as she slithers out of one scandal after another!

Mothers bring your daughters! Fathers bring your sons! You'll be stunned! You'll be shocked! Your world will be rocked! So hurry, hurry, hurry! See the land of the freaks and the home of the brazen! The big show is starting NOW!

Friday, July 22, 2016

Turnabout is Foul Play?

obama, obama jokes, political, humor, cartoon, conservative, hope n' change, hope and change, stilton jarlsberg, trump, cruz, endorsement, convention
Although we've paraphrased, Trump said ALL of this stuff and more.
GOP heads exploded Wednesday night when Senator Ted Cruz spoke at the Republican National Convention and spoke passionately of the need to defend freedom and the constitution...and got booed off the stage for his trouble.

The reason? He failed to endorse Donald Trump by name, and instead told the audience to consider who will be best for America and then vote their conscience. It's pretty hard to see that as an endorsement of Hillary "Cackles" Clinton, but many Trump supporters seem to have taken it that way - oddly suggesting that they think that there's some inherent schism between supporting the constitution and voting for the now-official GOP nominee.

Personally, Hope n' Change thinks Cruz gave the closest thing to a pro-Trump endorsement humanly possible while still retaining a shred of integrity after the myriad personal attacks the billionaire made on his family and character during the primary campaign.  Any "pledge" was rendered moot by Mr. Trump himself - after all, how could he have eventually "supported" any other candidate credibly after having destroyed their reputations through name-calling and vile assertions during the primary season?

Moreover, by eloquently making the case for conservative values (something we'd frankly like to see Mr. Trump do), Cruz was certainly making it clear that our nation can't afford to have Hillary in the White House. And by telling hardcore conservatives that they must not stay home on election day, and must cast votes up and down the GOP ticket, he was reminding even those not in love with Trump that there is more at stake here than one candidate, and many more offices which must be held or won.

So we say "good for Ted Cruz" and "good for those who plan to vote for Trump" and "good for those who plan to vote against Hillary by voting for Trump."

The circular firing squad on the Right has got to stop shooting their allies and keep the larger targets in sight. And while "Never Hillary" isn't all that matters, it's currently what matters most... and Ted Cruz said as much.

BONUS: ALL WE ARE SAYING IS GIVE PISS A CHANCE
 
Definitely a "glass half-full" situation
Okay, we haven't even TRIED to report good news for countless recent Fridays, but must admit that we got a kick out of the story from Cleveland that protesters representing Black Lives Matter, the Ku Klux Klan, and the Westboro Baptist Church were fighting and throwing urine at each other.

Frankly, this strikes us as a win-win-win scenario!