Monday, July 6, 2015

Day of Rectuming

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As if we needed another reminder that our national culture has literally gone down the crapper, it was revealed this week that first daughter Malia Obama has taken work as a summer intern on Lena Dunham's screamingly liberal, graphically sexual HBO series "Girls" - which infamously featured an onscreen act of analingus.

By the way, analingus should not be confused with Aer Lingus, which is a lovely Irish jet service which you can enjoy without chugging a bottle of Listerine afterwards.

The scene in question "starred" (boy, has that word lost all meaning) alleged actress Allison Williams, who is the daughter of disgraced former NBC news anchor Brian Williams. Which, we're pretty sure, amounts to some kind of liberal media incest which is probably described with a word ending in "lingus."

We don't really blame young Ms. Obama for wanting to pursue a career in show business like her father, but out of respect for the American people and our national image abroad we wish her parents might have encouraged her to find work on a show which fewer people find offensive.

Say, The Dukes of Hazzard.

Don't panic. It's just a donut.

Friday, July 3, 2015

A Fourth to be Reckoned With

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Hopefully no readers of Hope n' Change will be wrestling with Lefty Lucy's dilemma this holiday weekend (or her tendency to be distracted by shiny objects).

Rather, it's a time to celebrate all that is great and good about this magnificent country, despite the occasional rotten apple in the White House...

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Barry's correct, unfortunately. Thanks to his anti-employment, "spread the wealth" policies we now have the lowest workforce participation rate since 1977, and over 93 million people who aren't in the work force (and, of course, don't even exist as far as unemployment calculations are concerned). And who knows, maybe a lot of them really do believe that the 4th is "in dependence" day. That's certainly what their votes would indicate.

But those worries are for another time. For now, let's forget our troubles, fly the flag, quaff a cold beer, and celebrate this glorious holiday with family, friends, and a very patriotic gal...

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Happy Fourth of July everyone!  -Stilton

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Helter Shelter

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As our nation's anniversary approaches, it's hardly surprising that so many Americans are thinking about bunkers rather than burgers for the big holiday. After all, it's been a rough couple of weeks thanks to the Supreme Court, Isis, and the other usual troublemakers.

The Supreme Court is leading the pack, with recent decisions which are amazingly consistent with the Liberal agenda if not the bruised and battered Constitution. According to the Court, you can now be guilty of racial discrimination even if you didn't practice racial discrimination. Obamacare is now sure to finish off the private health insurance industry thanks to John Roberts pulling a decision out of his Supreme hiney.

The ruling affirming gay marriage came as a shock to many (full disclosure: Hope n' Change has supported gay marriage longer than Hillary and Barry combined, but on a state by state basis - not the crazy judicial overreach seen here. This decision really will be a threat to traditional marriage and traditional religious protections.)

But wait, there's more! The rascally Justices then blocked a law which would make it harder to abort little cowboys and cowgirls in the Lone Star State, and then followed up with a decision saying that the states will now be forced to accept Federal voter registration forms for Federal elections even though the Feds don't bother to verify the citizenship of the applicants.

Meanwhile, ISIS has been going on a killing spree overseas to celebrate the one-year anniversary of their caliphate, and uncharacteristically strong warnings (violet level on the new rainbow threat assessment scale) are being issued by Homeland Security, saying that there is a significantly increased risk of terror here at home during 4th of July celebrations.

Far less important, but still threatening, the Left has discovered the jihad-style joys of banning offensive imagery under threat of professional death (just ask the poor cop who lost his job for wearing a pair of confederate flag boxer shorts). Mind you, Hope n' Change has no particular love for the Confederate flag - but now that the liberals have tasted blood, you just know they're going to go on a banning frenzy.

For all of these reasons and more, the notion of hunkering down underground with friends, family, a clattering generator, and some tasty emergency rations on Independence Day doesn't seem like such a terrible idea. And remember, after displaying your American flag in the yard and taking a few moments to thank all of those who've fought for our liberties, there's no better way to celebrate the fourth than with a fifth. Not this year, anyway.

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As thanks for their hard work, we suggest a taxpayer-funded 
Bolivian bus vacation for the Supreme Court.