Friday, October 28, 2016

Friday Potpourri

Today we begin with a special remembrance for a special lady who (and we mean this from the bottom of our hearts) deserves a special prosecutor...

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Yes, on Wednesday Sir Edmund Hillary Clinton celebrated her 69th year of making Earth a less pleasant planet. She had a small private reception with friends and family, and a serenade from Stevie Wonder, whose head-swaying, bobbing, and staring into space was perhaps intended to distract guests from seeing all those same tics exhibited by Hillary.

The event was marred only by an awkward moment when Monica Lewinsky usurped the first lady's job (again) and unexpectedly blew out the Bill-shaped birthday candles before being dragged from the premises with frosting stains on her blue dress.

And speaking of eye-catching clothing accessories, here at Hope n' Change we think we've come up with a real winner for this election season...

If we had any initiative and business savvy at all, we'd currently be selling this design at every polling place in America. Stickers, pins, t-shirts - maybe even some interesting body piercings!

But the reason we lack the initiative to make buckets of money is because we (like millions of other Americans) just found out what our Obamacare is going to cost next year - and the more we earn, the more it costs. So why bother working?

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Obamacare: "Bleeding From Behind"
We won't bore you with too many details - suffice it to say that for exactly the same policy we had last year, based on exactly the same earnings and personal details, the base premiums skyrocketed a full 50%.

That's bad - really bad. But not the worst of it.

Because Mrs. Jarlsberg will be starting Medicare next week and won't even be on the Obamacare policy anymore - which is why is reducing our joint subsidy by 75%. The final result is that 2017's out-of-pocket payment for a one person policy will be three times what we were paying this year for two people.

As an additional reason to start drinking early today, the "same old, more expensive" policy still doesn't include any of our doctors, so we'll have to continue to slink into back alleys with cash in hand for check ups, colonoscopies, prostate exams, and any other procedures which can be performed with coat hangers.

But this being Friday, we'd like to end this on an upbeat note: if Hillary wins the election, we'll soon look back on even this period of unaffordable, unworkable health insurance as "the good old days." Enjoy it while you can!

DOWNLOADABLE BONUS: Print Your Own "I Vomited" Pin! Just click on the image to see the high-rez version, then save the image for printing!

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Tweet Dreams Are Made of These

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Okay, we actually have no way of knowing if those were the exact words Barry's father used when dumping him...or, for that matter, if they were the words Barry's mother used when dumping him on his grandparents. But we suspect they're the words that millions of Americans are currently tweeting.

And we're talking about tweeting (an activity which we hold in low regard) because Barack Obama - having little else to do now that he's fixed America - recently visited the Jimmy Kimmel show to read and react to "mean tweets" about himself.

Although frankly, Hope n' Change didn't find the selected tweets to be particularly mean - we could have personally penned a few which, to use the common parlance, would have torn him a new asshole.  But instead, the tweets were carefully selected (including one from Donald Trump) to provide easy straight lines for entirely-scripted rebuttals from the celebrity president.

Of course, the purpose of Barry's visit wasn't really to indulge in self-effacing humor, but rather to continue disparaging Donald Trump in the run-up to Election Day. Which would hardly seem necessary if the apocalyptic one-sided polls are to be believed...but apparently Barry doesn't believe the race is over, and neither do we.

Still, it's going to be a long two weeks until Election Night - and much like a 140-character tweet, we're already at our limit.


As part of the media's attempt to discourage actual voting, there are many reports that Hillary's team has confidently shifted their attention from winning the election to smoothly transitioning into the White House. Which we picture going something like this...

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Monday, October 24, 2016

Let Us Spray

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They took away our soap-on-a-rope when we made a little noose.
Today marks the first day of early voting in Texas, and Hope n' Change had no intention of letting the opportunity to vote against Hillary Clinton slip by.  Oh sure, we could have waited for Election Day, but what if we were hit by a bus, a meteor, or an assassin employed by the Clinton Family Foundation?

Right up until the last minute, we had extreme reservations about voting for Trump. The man is a disaster of the first order - but at least there's a scintilla of hope that he might head a worthwhile team. And even if he doesn't, at least it's a relatively safe bet that he would be a highly disruptive force in a political/moral quagmire which desperately needs disruption.

In order to cast our vote, we had to ask ourselves if there was anything imaginable which might come out in the next couple of weeks that would keep us from voting for Trump over Hillary. And the answer is no. He would have to be proved responsible for raping more women, causing more deaths, extorting more funds, revealing more national secrets, and forging more secret alliances with America's sworn enemies than the Clintons have. Frankly, we don't think that's even theoretically possible.

Additionally, we wanted to vote early to show our resentment for the way the media has conducted itself during this election cycle. Every day, new scandals are coming out about Hillary (any one of which would sink most candidates) but they're quickly buried by the mainstream media. Instead, we're given sensationalistic news stories about a female porn star coming forward to accuse Trump of offending her womanly sensibilities by giving her a quick hug and a kiss over a decade ago.

Oh, please. This is a woman whose theatrical specialty is [CAUTION: you may want to skip directly to the next paragraph. Be warned that you can never un-read the following words] something called an "anal creampie." And we're supposed to believe that this gentle flower is still having nightmares about getting a kiss from Donald Trump?! Unlike her seamy day job, at least a quick peck from the Trumpster won't make it impossibly painful for her to ride a unicycle.

Enough is enough.

This is not the election we hoped to see in 2016, and these are damn sure not the candidates we wanted to choose between. Even after 8 years of Barack Hussein Obama, we took no real pleasure in casting our vote...other than imagining the horror-stricken faces of those on the Left if Trump somehow wins.

If that happens, liberals will finally know the pain that we have felt for 8 long years. And know why we don't ride unicycles.