Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Black Lies Matter

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If, by some technological miracle, a way was found to use Hillary Clinton's inexhaustible lies as fuel to produce energy, our world would never run out of power. Forget oil, coal, and nuclear - we wouldn't even need the sun anymore.

As the latest case in point, when explaining her private email server to the FBI, Hillary claimed that former Secretary of State Colin Powell told her at a party that she should use a private server, said that he used private email while in office, and it made everything better in every way!

In other words, Hillary was telling the FBI that if they had problems with her email server, they also had problems with a black person. And that's racist!

Or would be if there was an iota of truth to Mrs. Clinton's tale - but according to the none-too-pleased Colin Powell, there isn't.  While he did use private email for personal correspondence as Secretary of State, he never had a private server - and never used anything but the official State Department servers for transmission of State Department business (including classified materials).

Moreover, he says he has no recollection whatsoever of talking about email systems to Hillary at that party, but does recall that "she was using it (her personal email server) for a year before I sent her a memo telling her what I did [during my term]." He also says of the current scandal that "her people have been trying to pin it on me." Wow! Where are Black Lives Matter when we really need them?

Theoretically, giving false testimony to the FBI constitutes a felony. Unfortunately, neither felonies nor the FBI hold any terror for the Democratic presidential candidate because she apparently has lurid blackmail photos of James Comey diddling roadkill or, perhaps, Loretta Lynch.

Then again, maybe all of this is just a huge misunderstanding. Maybe when the FBI asked her where she got the cockeyed idea for the private email server, they only thought she said Colin Powell when she actually muttered that the idea was pulled out of her "colon...bowel."

Considering her gift for lying her ass off, at least that would have been believable.

BONUS: DRIP DRY
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Snopes confirms this is true.

Monday, August 22, 2016

Cash Dash

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Bill Clinton has announced that the Clinton Family Foundation will stop taking suspicious contributions (which is pretty much ALL of their contributions) if Hillary wins the White House so there can be no question of money improperly influencing her actions as president.

Which, oddly, seems to be a flat out admission that such money has been capable of improperly influencing her actions as Secretary of State - evidence of which is both widespread and of complete disinterest to the DOJ.

Frankly, we think this proclamation is really the Clinton's sleazy way of soliciting a quick influx of funds in the waning days of the election campaign. And it strikes us as odd that the Clinton Foundation would stop accepting contributions if their records - so far unrevealed - really showed that they were spending their money on helping orphans with aids in Africa. Which brings us to...

FROM THE VAULT: PARSE-imonious (5/16/15)

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Following revelations that the non-profit, tax-free Clinton Foundation only spends about 10% of its huge and quite possibly illegal donations on actually helping the sick and poor, a raspy-voiced Bill Clinton declared, "I don’t think there’s anything sinister in trying to get wealthy people in countries that are seriously involved in development to spend their money wisely in a way that helps poor people and lifts them up."

Of course, the "poor people" in question were apparently the "dead broke" Clintons, since only a thin trickle of funds actually makes it to those who are starving and disease-ridden. The rest is spent by the Clinton Foundation on offices, salaries, luxury travel and accommodations, gifts, perks and benefits, email demolition experts, and probably hookers.

"There is no doubt in my mind that we have never done anything knowingly inappropriate in terms of taking money to influence any kind of American government policy," the seemingly syphilitic, impeached ex-president said in an interview on NBC's "Today" show. "That just hasn't happened."

 But let's parse what Bill just did (or didn't) say...

"There is no doubt in my mind" = All that follows is just my personal opinion, not a statement of fact.

"that we"
= All that follows depends on the definition of "we." The entire Clinton Foundation acting unanimously? Bill and Hillary acting in tandem? Bill and whomever else he was thinking about while speaking?

"have never done anything knowingly inappropriate"
= Although they may have avoided "knowing" by having their accounting team handle it. Or they avoided "knowing" by not looking at the governing laws. Meanwhile, "inappropriate" does not exclude actions which were "illegal" or "prohibited" - it's simply a subjective opinion about what Bill and Hillary believed to be appropriate.

"in terms of taking money" = They might have taken stocks, bonds, gold, property, or other items of inconceivable value - but not money per se.

"to influence"
= Of course, it's not "influence" if you simply deliver what the buyer wanted. The Clintons might have taken the money from foreign players "to change," "to cancel," "to re-evaluate," "to ignore," or "to rewrite" policy.

"any kind"
= If the payoff was to influence policy of a specific kind, it wasn't just any kind.

"of American government policy" = And what, specifically, is "American government policy?" Rules drawn up by the president? Congress? The Secretary of State herself? Current policy? Past policy?  Moreover, the accusation is that the donations may have been intended to buy future access to the Clintons, to deal with situations which are not yet "American government policies."

"That just hasn't happened"
= If the word "just" is understood to mean "just now, this instant," everything Bill has just denied may have been happening for years, but not in the 10 seconds prior to his making this statement. Additionally, "happened" could be defined as events which occurred without intent or direction - meaning if the Clintons did every vile trick they're accused of with full intent, none of it "just happened."

In other words, the Clintons can tell the technical truth all day long and still be the biggest liars on the planet. So rather than listen to Bill's words, we're once again paying attention to the finger he's angrily wagging at us.

Last time, it smelled like Monica. This time, it smells like it's been in the cookie jar.

Friday, August 19, 2016

A Stitch in Time?

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And the brain was from, uh, "Abby" someone.
With rumors already flying about Hillary Clinton's health, people are puzzling over the latest reports that the candidate is taking 96 hours off from campaigning with early voting only weeks away. Is it possible that she needs immediate medical attention - likely for procedures not approved by Obamacare or most major religions?

According to unnamed sources (and frankly, we think it's sad when parents fail to name their children), she's currently being stuffed with youthful organs harvested from kidnapped Bernie supporters, shot up with prenatal stem cells, getting a new Die Hard battery for her defibrillator vest, having her wandering eyeballs realigned, being fitted for a new designer colostomy bag, and getting her vocal cords sharpened.

Hillary is also said to be subsisting on an intravenous drip of rye whiskey mixed with orphan's tears, but as far as we know there's no medical reason behind it - she just really likes orphan's tears.