Wednesday, December 7, 2016

2020 Visions

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Even though Donald Trump hasn't even been inaugurated yet, Joe Biden has already stepped forward to offer himself as a possible opponent in the 2020 Presidential race. When asked by alleged reporters, the soon-to-be-former Veep declared "I am going to run for President in 2020. What the hell, man, anyway."

Granted, he hasn't officially thrown his hat into the ring, but that's because it's his winter hat and he has problems unfastening the chin strap while wearing the mittens buttoned to his coat sleeves. And a friend of ours posited how much fun it would be if Joe had a match-up against General James Mattis, who could run as "Mad Dog 2020," thus endearing himself to generations of partiers who have a history with fortified wine.

Biden would, of course, bring a lot to such a contest. For one thing, he's a wacky old white guy with a disturbingly unnatural hairline, which was certainly popular in this election cycle. Additionally, he's pretty much the last major Democrat standing; Bernie will be in a soundproofed socialist rest home within four years (perhaps sharing a room with Castro's ashes), and in that same time frame we expect to find Hillary's well-pickled liver floating in a glass jar at the Smithsonian.

Still, all of this is actually good news according to Democrats like Nancy Pelosi...

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The newly re-elected House Minority Leader and Botox spokesperson disagreed with reporters who found it odd that, in a time when voters clearly want change, Democratic House members decided to dust off an archeological relic like Nancy to guide them .

"I don't think people want a new direction," Nancy said through clenched teeth while compulsively blinking her tarantula-leg eyelashes. Really? Democrats were swooning over Bernie Sanders and the country actually voted in Donald Trump because they wanted to "stay the course" set by Obama and Pelosi? Seriously, this woman is on some kind of world class drugs. Not that we're ruling out senile dementia.


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The few remaining survivors of that horrible day 75 years ago now have the odd distinction of being attacked twice at Pearl Harbor...once by the Japanese, and once by the Obama administration.

Yes, we understand the symbolic importance of showing Japan and the United States united on this historic anniversary - but it could so easily have been presented to the public without accusing those aging heroes who fought, bled, and saw their friends and shipmates blown to pieces, drowned, or burned alive of "personal bitterness" if they haven't just "moved on" and made their peace with the horror of the sneak attack.

This appalling statement makes it clear that, in the mind of this administration, this anniversary is not about those who fought or died at Pearl Harbor, but rather about one more fatuous photo-op with a foreign figurehead for the sole benefit of the second greatest American tragedy to originate in Hawaii: Barack Hussein Obama.

Monday, December 5, 2016

What Are You Waiting Fir?!

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And he probably said where to put them.
Here at Hope n' Change, we find that we're filled with radiant happiness each time Barack Obama does anything as president for the last time. It's a delightful reminder that his days in office - and our days of misery - are literally numbered.

To that end, we're happy to announce the addition of our new countdown clock which you can find in the top left column of this blog. We fretted briefly over whether it was unseemly and disrespectful to headline the clock as showing "time till the screen door hits Obama's ass," but after further introspection we realized that everything else we might have said would be considerably more unseemly and disrespectful.

Seriously, our constipated nation is waiting anxiously for its electoral enema to kick in so we can be rid of this guy. In fact, it now strikes us that we'd like to be at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue the day Barry makes his final goodbyes, so that we could then blast the sound of a flushing toilet through powerful amplifiers. Perhaps we should start a Kickstarter campaign...

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"Initial reports are no survivors at MSNBC..."
We almost (but not quite!) wish that Trump would fire off a few tweets like the one above, just to coax more screams and lamentations from those on the Left. Because we're getting so much enjoyment out of their ongoing suffering.

Then again, he doesn't actually need to toy with the Leftists because they're already losing their minds over his excellent cabinet pics.  A Secretary of Defense who understands military might, wants to avoid war when possible, and values the lives and commitment of our troops? Horrors! A Secretary of Education who actually puts quality education (especially in our inner cities) ahead of protecting teachers unions? Madness!

If there's a connecting theme to Trump's picks to date, it's that he's eschewing the ivory tower academics who claim to be experts in their fields, and instead choosing people who have actually demonstrated significant accomplishment in those fields.

It really is beginning to feel a lot like Christmas.

Friday, December 2, 2016

Bar Exam

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In an unintentionally hilarious interview with Rolling Stone ragazine (spelling intentional), Barack Obama asserted that the reason Democrats got pulverized in the recent election is because "Fox News (is playing) in every bar and restaurant in big chunks of the country."

While demonstrably not true, Hope n' Change doesn't doubt that the insufferable dimwit-in-chief actually believes his fantasy because it protects him from taking personal responsibility for an historic electoral trouncing.

In Barry's mind, overstuffed white people would sit silent and transfixed at the local Cracker Barrel restaurant, sucking syrup out of their pancakes rather than chewing noisily, all the better to hear the Right Reverend Sean Hannity accuse Hillary Clinton of being a Martian.  Or perhaps he imagines eerily quiet Happy Hours during which patrons sat on bar stools in hypnotic trances while the gospel of hate was preached by Bret Baier, Britt Hume, and other bomb-throwing radical conservatives.

Barry did concede that the Democrat party had a problem with messaging and getting the word out to voters - but we have to disagree. We think their message came through loud and clear: that under Obama, what used to be a part-time job is now considered a career. That a stagnant economy which benefits only the rich and well-connected is the new norm. That laws are only for little people to obey.

We got the message that the Left considers ordinary Americans (also called "a basket of Deplorables") to be racists, misogynists, xenophobes, homophobes, ignoramuses, gun nuts, religious fanatics, and potential terrorists.

We got the message that a boy who believes he's a girl has more rights than all of the actual girls in a school shower. We got the message that inner city schools should never be improved, and that loans for uselessly self-indulgent college degrees need never be paid back.

We got the message that there is no gestational time limit on killing the unborn, up to and including the moment of birth. We got the message that illegal aliens have a "right" to jobs and benefits that legal citizens lack. And we got the message that as bad as things were under Obama, they were about to get a whole lot worse under Hillary.

And then we voted.

Which is why Barack Obama's actual legacy may only turn out to be a few soon-forgotten interviews in yellowing issues of Rolling Stone.


Lots of you may be putting up Christmas decorations this weekend, which is why we're giving you a FREE no-strings-attached downloadable album of relaxing instrumental Christmas music!

Not available in stores. Trust us on this one.

It's the "Manhole Steamrising Complete Christmas Collection," consisting of 15 soothing tracks of Christmas favorites, two of which are "Adeste Fidelis" and are done (as Basil Fawlty would say on gourmet night) "in two extremely different ways."

It's all perfectly legal, and you're free to share the music and/or the link with as many people as you like. In fact, we encourage you to share! Please! Tis the season! Just click this link to get your download started.

You'll end up with a ZIP file which, when double-clicked, will open up into a folder with your 15 songs in MP3 format. No spam, no viruses, no hassles whatsoever. Although if you downloaded the album when we offered it last year, you may experience some holiday deja vu while listening.

If you'd like to sample the music (or just enjoy it without downloading), we've also put the album on Youtube. Just click below to play!