Friday, January 4, 2013

Auto-pen and Teller

obama, obama jokes, hope and change, hope n' change, stilton jarlsberg, tea party, conservative, political jokes, autopen, fiscal cliff, hawaii

No sooner was the "American Taxpayer Relief Act of 2012" (which raises taxes and offers no new relief) excreted by the House of Representatives than Barry "Choom Gang" Soetoro had his ass back on Air Force One, heading to Hawaii yet again to celebrate the hardworking Middle Class by spending millions of dollars on golf, shave ice, and coconut-shell brassieres for the first lady.

In fact, he didn't even wait to sign the Tax Relief Bill into law, waving his imperial hand as he boarded the plane, saying that his mechanical "auto-pen" (the same one which expresses utterly insincere condolences to the families of fallen soldiers) could sign it without him.

And it's hard to argue that a cold, lifeless, unfeeling, unreasoning machine isn't a perfectly good subsitute for this president - especially since the Auto-pen has no desire to take expensive vacations in Hawaii, where the moist salt air makes rust grow even faster than pineapples.

Moreover, the Auto-pen isn't a blatant liar with anti-American sentiments, which could actually make it a better negotiating partner than B. Hussein when future crises arise.

A recently-spanked John Boehner has announced that he now has no intention of ever having another one-on-one negotiation with Barry again, and will not be party to any closed door negoations with the Prevaricator-in-Chief. Because negotiating with this president is a waste of time and a charade - and Boehner should have known this before allowing Mr. Obama to waste our time, inject uncertainty into the economy, and then reject any reasonable compromise.

Frankly, Hope n' Change prefers the Auto-pen to the actual president, and hopes that the dutiful robot may continue on the job as long as possible. Not that we're suggesting that it should call Air Force One and cook up a plan with the Auto-pilot.

Because that would be wrong. That's for sure!


Pete(Detroit) said...

Yeah, I got nothing.
And those dorks could not even get 20 votes (ir **17**?!?!?) to bounce that useless jackass Boehner from the speaker's seat.
I'd say they were tools, but that would imply they had a effing USE.
Bent, broken, useless, and dumber tahn a box of rocks w/ no bottom.
May their gonads wither and droop, following behind them like toilet paper stuck to the shoe...

Coon Tasty said...

Barack Obama is The EBTminator.

Grafton Cheddar said...

"...coconut-shell brassieres for the first lady."

And this was before I had breakfast!

TrickyRicky said...

@Pete(Detroit)... well said my friend, but next time please don't hold back ;-)

Earl said...

Isn't there a volcanic crater in Oahu called the punchbowl? Maybe Obama could take take a golf break and go sit in it.

MadJack said...

It's Friday, and Obama still SUX, the democRats still SUCK and the republicans still SUCK! We're screwed!

Stilton, nicely done as always!

Jim Hlavac said...

At this point in time do we really even know for sure that any cliff hanging bill was really passed? Or is that just automatic too .. you know, take us to the brink, then say "fooled ya!" -- and announce yet another late night last minute legislative wind passing? If the bill was actually passed that did anything, how could they really write up such complex legislation that quickly? I mean, did they have this on the shelf from the beginning, and just trot it out on their own schedule -- which doesn't quite mesh with the rest of the nation? Meanwhile, perhaps, since probably few in Congress read the bill, for surely it runs to many pages, and done in such haste, amidst holiday eggnog too -- it almost doesn't make a difference that a machine signs what no read -- for the farce just grows bigger with the two combined, and we do all need something to laugh at, however sardonically. But, then finally, the question becomes, can an autopen sign all these people's resignations? For nothing could so help this nation than the entire Congress and the executive branch, and probably not a few judges, just resigning en masse for sheer abrogation of duty. And if the machine can do that job, well, it's time to get a-hacking and make it so ... while they're all busy elsewhere -- and say "surprise!" when they return -- "you're no longer in office, your autopen resigned you!" Perhaps that might be a real story of economic salvation.

Irene Peduto said...

Stilton - the auto pen & the teleprompter are two of O's contributions to the Presidency. We so could have lived without either of them. America has faltered especially because of the teleprompter since many Americans think he's the smartest man ever to hold the office due to his oratory skills! OMG!
@Pete - TrickyRicky was on target - whatever you do, don't hold back!
@Grafton Cheddar - "coconut shell brassieres...." it was another one of SJ's really good lines.

Mike Porter said...

And the shame of it all is that should auto-pen conspire with auto-pilot, there would necessarily be collateral damage; the crew are probably nice people, and that plane is pretty damned expensive. But then, sometimes divorces are costly because they are worth every sucking penny. But since we're solidly within the realm of fantasy here, how about Pacific sharks with a penchant for water logged braunschweiger?

Pete(Detroit) said...

Mike Porter - Land Sharks?

John the Econ said...

What exactly is the point of the GOP? Seriously. Other than the long-overdue AMT fix, there was no serious tax reform. They did raise taxes on an insignificant percentage of the population. But we actually got MORE spending, not less. All of the real "cliff" issues got pushed off to a nebulous future, as usual.

Even though he didn't get everything he wanted, like more 1%'s screwed, Obama walked relatively unscathed. Meanwhile his minions at the White House are hitting the circuit letting it slip that there will be more spending and more taxes. WTF? Just wait. It's my guess that we're now less than 24 months away from a VAT as the next level of "economic patriotism".

Of course, the media would prefer that the GOP be a mere "opposition" party, but they aren't even competent at that.

Hey Boehner, you got rolled by a pothead. My dog could have done a better deal. As I said last week, we would have been much better off as a nation if we had instead gone off the phony "fiscal cliff" and reverted to the wonderful Clinton-era tax rates. That would have forced the nation to contemplate real reform, instead of the more of the same crony capitalism and pork that you just signed off on.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Pete(Detroit)- You've got genuine skill when it comes to dishing out epithets.

@Coon Tasty- It explains a lot, doesn't it.

@TrickyRicky- (grin)

@Earl- Good catch; there IS a punchbowl crater in Hawaii (and before anyone gets bent out of shape, it's not full of lava). Maybe the turd-in-chief can build his retirement home inside.

@MadJack- It's generally my goal with Hope n' Change to do a bit more than simply decry the suckage in Washington, but some days the news just gives me no other choice.

@Jim Hlavac- You raise several good points. First, how could Mitch McConnell and Joe Biden put together a compromise so quickly? The answer: Biden was empowered to authorize what the president could have taken sooner, but Barry wanted to continue beating the GOP over the heads until the last possible second. Obama's posturing and closed door negotations were all an insincere ruse, done ONLY to injure Republicans. Boehner is right to say no such "negotiations" will occur in the future.

And actually reading the bill? How quaint and old-fashioned! The Senate passed the bill three minutes after receiving it, so it's safe to say that nobody actually read the damn thing end to end.

Which brings us to the question of the Auto-pen; if politicians can pass a bill without reading or understanding it, then why can't an Auto-pen do the same thing? No expensive salaries or lifetime benefit packages, no sex scandals, no lies...maybe it's time to automate the whole mess.

@Irene Peduto- I think I've opined before that between the teleprompter and the auto-pen, we don't need Barry at all.

And I'll admit that "coconut-shell brassieres" was added specifically to inject at least a little levity into today's rant.

@Mike Porter- Before any Secret Service agents knock on my door, I was only joking that the auto-pilot could reroute Barry to keep him from returning to the mainland, perhaps playfully taking him places where he'd never actually go on purpose - like Israel or Antarctica.

As far as hungry sharks along the coast of Oahu where Barry goes swimming, the Hawaiians have a wise old saying: "Que sera, sera."

@Pete(Detroit)- "Candygram..."

@John the Econ- Yep, yes, affirmative, agreed, check, and doublecheck.

CenTexTim said...

@John the Econ - "What exactly is the point of the GOP?"

To bring home as much or more pork to their constituents as the democraps do to theirs.

As for the refeences to Land Sharks, which one are y'all talking about - Option A, or Option B (first definition)?

rickn8or said...

@ Pete(Detroit): Lot couldn't find ten righteous men in Sodom and Gomorrah, how do you expect to find SEVENTEEN in the U.S. Congress??

SusieBee said...

The "Punchbowl" is actually the National Memorial Cemetary of the Pacific. It is a memorial to and the final resting place of 25,000the brave men and women who served in the US Armed Forces. It was built after the attack on Pearl Harbor, and it would be sacrilegious to even think of putting Barry there! I wouldn't want his presence to desecrate the memory of real heroes like my two uncles who actually fought in the Pacific during WWII.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@CenTexTim- I'm guessing that the Lager beer goes best with pork.

@rickn8or- When you put it that way, it does sound hopeless.

@SusieBee- ACK!!! You're absolutely right, and I'm blushing right now. I've been to that beautiful, hallowed cemetery but forgot that it was located in the Punchbowl. Obviously, I don't want Barry anywhere near that location (and for what it's worth, his multi-million dollar digs in Kailua are about as far from the cemetery and Pearl Harbor as you can get and still be on Oahu). B. Hussein's presence at any military cemetery is an act of sacrilege. My sincere apologies for suggesting it, even in error and in jest.

Colby said...

The auto-pen is just a logical conclusion to O-Buckwheat's promise in 2008 that he would never sign any bill into law that contained pork.

When you mention the Auto-pilot, I immediately thought of the autopilot in the Airplane movies, especially the scene where he begins to deflate.

@Jim Hlavac,
I like the way you're thinking! The auto-pen possibilities are endless.

Pete(Detroit) said...

CenTexTim - truthfully, I'd totally forgotten about the totally forgettable beer - was thinking B(2), as Stilt indicated w/ his response, had seriously never heard of 1) (tho it might be fun) and the thought of "Skoaling" a Frisbee (just a pinch, between the cheeks... and yes, I KNOW that's paraphrased, can't help it) is just horriffic!

To those who enjoyed the pithy positing of the wee hours, well, all I can say is sometimes I'm just inspired. TY for the kind words.

Necron99 said...

If only Auto-pen was an Autobot... Then, realizing he was serving a Decepracon, he would "Transform" and give battle to his former master.

But seriously folks, take the POTUS... PLEASE?!?!?

graylady said...

Dear Susie, Thank you for correcting the incorrect notions about The Punchbowl. My uncle is buried there. He was a survivor of the Batan Death March and a POW/slave coal miner in Japan for the duration of WWII. Unlike this misbegotten, arrogant a**hole of a President, my uncle was a Hero and a true Americam Patriot. After his release and recovery from years of abuse, he continued his service in the USAF. He retired finally due to medical issues resulting from his imprisonment and passed away shortly afterward. He would be spinning in his grave at the presence of a POS like Obama.

John the Econ said...

Thanks spammer. More URLs for the blacklist.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Colby- If you parse Barry's words very carefully, he's quite truthful. Obamacare didn't raise costs by "a dime," and he didn't sign the bill containing pork.

@Pete(Detroit)- Some are born great, others are called to greatness.

@Necron99- All of this has just given me a fantasy for a short film: while Barry is vacationing in Hawaii, members of a patriotic underground movement "kidnap" the auto-pen, and have it sign the president's resignation. Maybe it's time for me to create a Kickstarter project...

@graylady- As mortified as I feel about sticking my foot in my mouth with the punchbowl reference, it's more than worth it in order to hear the story of your uncle's life and sacrifices for this country. Heroism is always worth celebrating.

@John the Econ- I've nuked the spam comments you were referring to. Behind the scenes, there's a rising tide of spam that I'm fighting every day- including that which is added to old pages. I'm good about cleaning it up, but it's a little bit like trying to bail water out of the ocean. The crap never stops coming in.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@John the Econ- By the way, the spam filter catches MOST such junk and needs daily attention. I just cleared out 52 spam messages which have accrued since yesterday.

Gork said...

Lessee, we have a TOTUS, an autopen, and a President with handlers who have no conscience.

We have an empty suit for President and he's not even man enough to keep his campaign promises (like reviewing all bills before signing).